Learning To Love Me

Yikes, prepare yourselves for another deep one.

I tried a top on the other day that I’d ordered from ASOS. Our bedroom doesn’t have a mirror and so, when I try on clothes in there, I have to then walk the two steps into our bathroom to go and see what the clothes look like on. In those two steps, a lot goes through my brain. I remember how this top looked on the 5″8, size 8 model. I remember how much I loved it on her. I’m expecting it to look this good on me. I then step into the bathroom, turn around and look in the mirror to see myself. And, I’m disappointed. Because, the thing is, I’m not a 5″8, size 8 model. I’m 5″3 and I’m a size 12. I have big hips and a bit of a wobbly belly. And this top clings to my chubby hips and showcases the flabby bits that I don’t want anyone to see and then I’m gutted that this top hasn’t made me look like the model. But of course it wouldn’t make me look like the model. It’s not a magic top. It’s just a regular bit of fabric. The truth of the matter is that I’m not thin and I can’t disguise that.

Throughout my teens and my tweens, I’d always been pretty thin. Because of my body shape I had always had larger thighs than most people and also I’ve always had quite big boobs (which I don’t hate, thanks mum!) so I’ve never been a size 6 but for my late teens I was always a size 10 with a flat belly, always comfortable in a bikini and crop tops. When I hit 19, I noticed my metabolism starting to slow down. I’d just started uni and so I was also drinking a lot more than I used to when I lived at home. I used to come back in from nights at the pub and just put a Co-Op Mac’n’Cheese ready meal in the microwave because, well, it was late, I was pissed and it was easy. And, somewhere along the way, I gained weight. I went from being a size 10 to a size 10/12 and now I’m a comfortable size 12.

And honestly, I haven’t been dealing with it too well.

All the bloggers, vloggers and influencers I follow on Instagram are beautiful, skinny, blonde, tanned model-worthy girls. They seem to wear clothes so effortlessly. None of them have double chins or cellulite. They’re all sat on beaches in skimpy bikinis with their hair perfectly done and their legs perfectly waxed. And then there’s me. I’m dumpy, a little tubby and can never get a photo where I don’t have more than one chin (even when Kaye or Mollie take them!). I was petrified for my holiday this year because I didn’t want to be seen around the pool in a swimming costume where jeans can’t hide my cellulite. At one point I even thought to myself ‘I can’t be a successful blogger if I’m not skinny.’

But a few weeks ago I had a moment or realisation. I bought a new swimming costume last week and tried it on. And I really liked it. Even though I’m not a size 10 anymore with a lovely flat stomach, I liked the way I looked in that one-piece. (It was from Esprit, by the way). I’m healthy. I eat my 5 a day. I don’t binge on food. I don’t hold myself back from eating when I’m hungry. I don’t have any health issues. I probably should eat less chocolate and less cheese but it’s not an immediate risk to my health and it makes me happy. I love cooking. I love baking.

As long as I’m healthy, why should it matter what you look like? My mum has always been a bigger lady (sorry mum, if you’re reading this) and my dad’s no slim jim either. My brother is completely skinny but I think he’s a fluke (and that’s probably because none of his meals ever stay in his stomach because he’s 18 and is constantly out drinking – and subsequently throwing up). It’s in my genes to be a bit bigger. Dieting and restricting what I eat would make me really, really unhappy. My mum always says she’d rather be fat and happy than thin and miserable and I agree with her – not that I think I’m fat at all.

me

What I’m trying to say is that I’ve found that I really love myself and I really like how I look. My body has changed since I was a teenager – but who’s hasn’t? But, I really like it.
Photography by Fordtography. Contains paid links.

21 Comments

  1. March 28, 2018 / 11:36 pm

    This is a really refreshing post to read and I’m glad you’ve come to accept your body. I finally have started to have more confidence in myself lately, after 10 years of beating myself up about my body. I’ve had 3 kids, my belly is not flat, but that’s ok. I shared a bikini photo today and I’m really glad I did, it’s give me so much confidence x

  2. March 29, 2018 / 10:07 am

    I loved reading this post, it was really inspiring.
    I feel the same when I see the people I follow on Instagram, it genuinely gets me down yet I can’t stop scrolling or unfollow.
    I hope at some point I will come to accept myself too xx

  3. March 29, 2018 / 10:40 am

    I’m so happy that you love yourself again babe because you’re such a beautiful person inside and out. Thank you for sharing such a wonderfully well-written blog post, so honest and open. 🌸✨

    With love, Alisha Valerie x | http://www.alishavalerie.com

  4. March 29, 2018 / 10:48 am

    What an inspiring post, Chloe! I can absolutely get down about what I see on Instagram too, I think it’s something that’s affecting everyone in this day and age! Loved reading this! x

  5. Lisa
    March 29, 2018 / 9:33 pm

    I’m the worst when it comes to clothes. I hate fashion because I’m not like the models you see on the websites, clothes don’t look great on me. But the problem starts with me and will end with me. I’m more body positive now than I have ever been and I’m the biggest I’ve ever been. I’m happy to see that you’re feeling confident within yourself you’ve got a beautiful figure babes!

    Lisa| http://www.ohluna.co.uk

  6. March 29, 2018 / 11:34 pm

    Such a lovely post Chloe. I still struggle to this day with body confidence, especially since having my little girl. It’s good to hear you are accepting yourself and not giving in to the pressures of society. Great post xx

  7. March 30, 2018 / 5:27 pm

    I have so much love for this post. I suffered with an array of eating disorders growing up and before having my kids I was a tiny size 6. I’m now a size 10 and look a heck of a lot different than I did before having my second baby and I’ve found the change really difficult. I’m trying to embrace my wobbly tummy and chunky thighs. I’m so glad you are accepting the way you look and embracing it because you’re a beaut. Xx

  8. March 30, 2018 / 10:40 pm

    This is such a lovely and inspiring post – personally, I’m not happy with my body (hopefully I will be one day). But I’m so glad you have accepted the way you look Xx
    Sarah X

  9. March 31, 2018 / 7:16 am

    You go girl!!!! You’ve got this in the bag, who cares what others think! Keep going girl, you look fab & beaut pictures! xxxxx

  10. Emma
    March 31, 2018 / 9:52 am

    Curvy girls have more fun Chloe bab!!! Your Mum is 100% right – I’d be happy over skinny any day!
    Emma | emmadrury.com

  11. March 31, 2018 / 3:18 pm

    You are beautiful inside and out Chlo, I’ve learnt to love my body too. All the things that used to bother me just don’t anymore and I’ve accepted that my body has changed since having a baby and as I’ve got older. I’m not a gym go-er so can’t expect to be super thin anyway. As long as you’re happy and healthy who cares xx

  12. March 31, 2018 / 3:28 pm

    There’s such a lot of pressure all over to make us feel we should be a certain way.
    Glad to see you have a positive outlook on it.

    http://littlemissmelanie.com

  13. April 1, 2018 / 11:17 pm

    I loved this post, things change over time but self-love remains. I use to (and occasionally still do) battle with body confidence issues, but then I remind myself that I’m beautiful and name three things I adore, instantly changing my mindset. It’s great to hear another’s perspective.

    Tx. // http://www.musicgeekonline.co.uk

  14. April 2, 2018 / 6:02 pm

    You’re so beautiful. Every woman has their fare share of insecurities, but what matters is loving ourselves at the end of the day! I’m so happy to read your positivity towards accepting who you are towards the end of the post! You look lovely and from what I’m reading you seem like a lovely person also.💕

  15. April 3, 2018 / 10:37 am

    This is such an honest post, Chloe! I can relate to pretty much all of it! It’s so hard not to compare yourself to the media’s version of perfect! Thank you so much for sharing x

  16. April 3, 2018 / 12:36 pm

    I think we all struggle with the way that we think our body looks and there’s a lot of things we’d all change if we could, but I definitely agree with being happy if you’re healthy. Also, you look super fab Chloe and these photos are beautiful! 🙂 xo

    Char | http://www.charslittleblog.co.uk

  17. April 4, 2018 / 8:43 pm

    I really loved this post. You look amazing !! X

  18. April 5, 2018 / 12:00 am

    I think you are absolutely beautiful Chloe, and I’m so glad you had that moment of realisation and starting seeing how beaut yor bod is! I’m also a size 12 and after being a size 6 all of my life it has been SO hard to adjust too, but now I’m just owning and honestly confidence is the best accessory! Xx

  19. April 7, 2018 / 4:32 pm

    This was such a great and honest post Chlo! I think you look fantastic and it’s so good that you’re learning to love the skin you’re in! xx
    http://www.imjustagirl16.co.uk

  20. April 9, 2018 / 8:12 am

    You look gorgeous ! It’s always fab to promote some self love !

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